


blank mask

by WattStalf



Category: Hunter X Hunter, Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, Implied/Referenced Incest, M/M, Tokyo Ghoul AU, canon typical ghoul stuff, onesided illukillu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-07-28 19:28:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20069329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WattStalf/pseuds/WattStalf
Summary: Illumi, the oldest son of an affluent ghoul family, watches his younger brother grow up, and watches him grow away from the family. In the end, he thinks that he might be the only one who has Killua's best interests at heart.





	blank mask

**Author's Note:**

> I suck at summaries. Anyway the Zoldycks are basically the Tsukiyama family but even more...whatever that is. The restaurant aliases don't mean anything, I just picked random letters, with some consistency in the family.  
I wrote this for a prompt event, where I was assigned "Illumi + crossover of your choice." Pretty hefty for my first HxH fic, but I was ecstatic to get assigned a Zoldyck since I've wanted to write about this disaster family for a while. Thank you to everyone on the mountain for the encouragement and inspiration, hopefully this doesn't flop too hard.

“It doesn’t have to be tonight!” Mother insists, starting to grow hysterical. She must be close to losing the argument, Illumi thinks, and though he tries not to take sides when his parents argue in front of him- unless one side is clearly in the right- he hopes that Father will win this one.

“I’ve already made up my mind,” he replies, brushing her hand aside when she grabs at his arm, one of his signs that she is testing his patience. “Illumi will go to the restaurant without us tonight, and he will take Milluki and Killua with him.”

“But...but... _ we _ should go with them, shouldn’t we? For Killu’s first night, he shouldn’t-”

“Neither one of us can go tonight,” says Father. “You already know that. We can’t neglect business for hobbies.”

“Then he doesn’t have to go tonight! Illumi can take Milluki, and Killua can stay home with his little brothers.”

“Illumi is more than capable of looking after the both of them. There’s no reason why Killua shouldn’t go tonight.”

“But he’s...he’s too young!” She looks proud of herself for this argument; Illumi first thought the same thing when his father took him aside and asked if he could bring Killua along tonight, but he did not question the decision. “He’s too young to go right now! We didn’t bring Illumi until he was twelve, and we just started bringing Milluki last year! Maybe in a few years, he’ll be ready, but not yet.”

“That’s right!” says Milluki, speaking up for the first time. “That’s not fair! He should have to wait too!” He goes mostly ignored as their parents argue back and forth, but nothing Mother says can change Father’s mind at this point, and Milluki’s complaints contribute nothing to either side. Illumi remains silent, put places a hand on Milluki’s shoulder from time to time, trying to calm him down and keep him out of it.

In the end, Father has his way, and Killua is given a rundown of the rules, as well as a plain, blank mask- when he is older, he will be allowed to have one that suits him more- and Illumi promises to look after his younger brothers for the night.

As Mother and Father leave for their obligation, Mother is still in hysterics, crying, “Next time, you’ll say he can take Alluka, or even Kalluto!” on her way out the door. Father does not comment, at least for as long as he is in earshot.

Hand in hand, Illumi leads Killua to the restaurant. A week ago, they celebrated his sixth birthday.

~X~

“Mr. PR, it’s a pleasure,” says one of the masked men that shows them to their seats. “I see you’ve got a new face with you tonight. Your parents did tell us he would be joining us tonight.”

“That’s right,” replies Illumi. Killua’s grip on his hand tightens when they enter the main room. It’s loud, as affluent ghouls make conversation and get reacquainted with friends that they haven’t seen since the last show, shouting over one another as if they haven’t seen each other in years.

The room is more like a theatre than a restaurant, with the decor suiting an opera house, while the setup is more like that of an arena, the seats surrounding the stage, rising up all around. The area reserved for the Zoldycks always has a nice view; Father- known as Mr. VR here- has made his fair share of contributions.

“I hope you all enjoy your night!” the masked man continues, once they’ve reached their seats. “Mr. PR, Mr. LR, and Mr...ah?”

“GR,” Illumi answers, giving Killua’s hand a squeeze to remind him that that is what he goes by under this roof. They wear their masks and go by false names in the event of a raid, so that the investigators have minimal leads on anyone who would be able to escape. It is up to the individual if they want to reveal themselves to other ghouls outside of the restaurant, but since most enter on invitation anyway, most know each other outside already.

“Mr. GR,” he says with a nod. “It’s a pleasure to have you join us tonight.” With that, he takes his leave, and the three of them sit down.

“When do you think it’s going to start?” asks Milluki. Like Killua, he wears a blank mask, but he’s told Illumi of several ideas for future designs, whenever their parents allow him to upgrade. Illumi has been allowed for a few years now, but he doesn’t have any solid ideas, so he keeps his blank mask.

Mother- Mrs. VR- wears a Venetian style mask, with an intricate floral design and a lot of feathers. Grandfather- Mr. RR, who wears a simple half-mask- often calls her ostentatious behind her back, and occasionally to her face, but Illumi has always thought her mask was beautiful. Upon first glance, one would think that Father wears the same blank, white masks that his sons wear, but it is actually covered with a serious of intricate carvings. Illumi would like a mask like either of theirs, but has never been able to come up with a design that isn’t nearly identical to one or the other.

“Probably soon.”

“What’s gonna happen?” asks Killua, the first time he’s spoken up since they left the house. Illumi isn’t sure how much their parents have told him about the restaurant, but from the sound of it, they must have left things vague. He isn’t sure if that means it’s his job to fill Killua in, or if Killua is supposed to be surprised.

“Dinner and a show, obviously,” Milluki replies, before Illumi has had a chance to properly think it over. “They’re gonna bring some humans out any minute now.”

“Humans?”

“Well, duh, what else would we eat?” he asks, always the know-it-all.

But Killua is used to having his meals presented to him, meat stripped away from the bones, skin peeled away, with nothing left to suggest the serving on his plate once belonged to a human. He knows that they eat humans, but when he eats, he doesn’t have to look at his food and see how similar they are; he hasn’t had to hunt yet, hasn’t seen a human die so that he can eat. Another luxury of being a Zoldyck; Father will raise Milluki and Killua, Alluka and Kalluto, to be as ruthless as he is, just as he has Illumi, but in the comfort of their home, they can enjoy fancy meals, obtained without effort.

The meal presentation is something Mother insists on, while Grandfather accuses her of trying to “play human.” Luxury or not, he says, there’s no reason to disguise what it is that they’re eating, and that coddling her family will only turn them soft. He has his comments, but ultimately, Father has the most say, and in that matter, he chooses to side with his wife.

Before she married into the family, she grew up on the streets and with no family. Illumi has only heard a few stories about her life before she married Father, but he doesn’t think she has ever been soft.

When the lights dim, Milluki stands up, moving close to the railing so that he can look down over the stage. Illumi rises as well, with Killua following him, grabbing his hand again. Three humans are brought out and introduced, and the patrons who brought them describe what made them particularly eye catching while they scream and protest and look for an escape, realizing for the first time that they’ve been lured into a trap. More often than not, the humans brought here were befriended by a patron and convinced that they were being brought to a special, exotic restaurant.

Well, in a way, that is exactly what’s happened to them.

The scrapper they bring out tonight appears young, not much older than Milluki. Illumi has seen this one once or twice before, and recalls that he has amazing speed, cutting down the other humans with precision, and without a hint of remorse. His madame has raised him well. Mother once said that she would love to be a madame, but that raising and training scrappers would take focus away from her flesh and blood family.

While the human victims attempt to put up a fight, none of them stand a chance against the scrapper, not even working together, and the first one is dead in no time at all, his neck cleanly slit. Killua lets go of Illumi’s hand, and he feels him bump up against his leg. When Illumi looks down, he sees that Killua is standing behind him, hiding his face as he clings to his leg.

With every scream, he flinches and buries his face against Illumi’s leg. Illumi should pull him away, and should make him watch. If Father were here, Killua would not be able to get away with not looking. Illumi knows that he should force him to watch, but instead, he chooses to ignore him, stiffening every time Killua clings a little bit tighter. The second human is killed, and then the third, and it is only as the excitement wears off that Milluki notices his younger brother’s behavior.

“What’s wrong with you, Killu? Were you paying attention at all?” he asks.

“Mm-mm.” He shakes his head without looking up, and Milluki grabs him by the shoulders, pulling him back.

“You’re supposed to  _ watch _ ,” he snaps. “That’s the whole point!” Killua says nothing, and Milluki scowls. “Illumi, tell him!”

“The restaurant offers entertainment before the meal,” Illumi says, quoting something he was told once.

“I’m not hungry,” Killua mumbles.

“So you’re not gonna eat, either? Mama was right, you’re definitely too young for this,” says Milluki. “You should have just stayed home. When Papa hears about this-”

“Milluki.” Illumi’s voice is stern when he interrupts his brother. “I will be the one to tell Father about this.”

“But-”

“He asked me to bring Killu, so I will tell him about this,” he says, and he can see Milluki’s resolve crumble.

“Yeah, sure.”

He should have done more to make Killua pay attention, whether his little brother liked watching the gory display or not. Ignoring him and letting him cling to him was not the right thing to do, and he knew that even in the moment, but he did nothing. Illumi is too soft, he thinks; he cannot allow himself to bend every time his little brother shows some form of affection, or else Killua will never be able to grow.

In the end, Killua refuses to eat his share, no matter how Illumi tries to convince him. Milluki pesters him until he gives it to him, scolding him all the while.

~X~

In response to Killua’s behavior at the restaurant, Father begins intense training, asking for Illumi’s assistance. He says that he will ensure that Killua can both produce and control his kagune at an early age, and that they can’t afford to go easy on him if they want that to happen.

After Mother and Father have spoken with him, Killua does not hide his face at the restaurant again, but when Illumi goes with him, he can still see discomfort in his brother’s eyes. Mother demands that both Alluka and Kalluto are made to wait until they are at least ten before they can go, and Father does not argue on that. Meanwhile, Milluki leaves the house less and less frequently, until a trip to the restaurant is one of the only things he can muster up some enthusiasm for, and even that begins to wane as he ages.

Within a few years, Killua has excellent control over his kagune, an ukaku, crackling like lightning. Father and Grandfather both have ukaku, while Illumi and Milluki take after Mother with their bikaku. Killua also resembles their father more than any of his siblings, the only one to inherit his white hair, and when Alluka and Kalluto eventually produce bikaku, he is the only one with a similar kagune.

Father must be hard on him because he’s special, Illumi thinks.

~X~

Killua’s kagune is fearsome and, as he grows, he becomes so formidable that Illumi is certain that, if he keeps up his training and if he remains well-fed enough, Killua could surpass him, and perhaps even Mother and Father. That must be their goal with him, to raise someone strong enough to keep their family name going for another generation. As one of the strongest and most affluent ghoul families in history, and certainly one of the longest running, it is vital that the next head have the strength to protect the family, as well as the cunning to keep their ghoul status a secret, so that they can continue their lifestyle.

Illumi thinks that Killua can do all of that, or that he will be able to, once he’s grown up a bit. He grows stronger, but he hits a rebellious point in his life as he does, becoming stubborn and bratty, with all traces of the trembling child who clung to Illumi’s leg gone. His distaste for the restaurant remains, until he begins outright refusing to attend, and no matter how Mother shrieks at him, he never gives in, until Father tells her to give it a rest. By this point, Milluki has grown so bored with it that he begins insisting that if Killua can stay behind, he can too, and more often than not, Mother cries right up until they reach the restaurant, where she dries her tears, dons her mask, and holds onto Father’s arm for the rest of the evening.

Their family must always be represented by at least one member- that has always been the rule. So Killua’s unwillingness to attend and Milluki’s unwillingness to leave home for much of anything don’t really get in the way. Illumi can always make himself available to go, even when the others are busy. He is never asked to bring Alluka or Kalluto when his parents can’t make it, and when he goes alone, he sometimes asks Killua to accompany him, and is always turned down flat.

On nights when he goes alone, he unintentionally makes the acquaintance of a ghoul called Mr. CG. He approaches Illumi on several occasions, somehow always managing to have a seat close to the area reserved for the Zoldycks, and always making his way over when he sees the area is almost completely empty. Some nights he wears a mask of comedy and other nights a mask of tragedy, but Illumi has never asked if there is any significance to when he changes them.

Mr. CG is a strange man. He is always alone, and, as far as Illumi can tell, no one is quite sure how he got a membership in the first place. He doesn’t seem to come from any well-known families, and, since he is never seen with any friends there, no one can figure out who gave him his first invitation, or recommended him to be put on the guestlist. After he speaks to Illumi a few times, Illumi is asked if he recommended him, but he quickly puts an end to those rumors.

Whatever the case, Mr. CG is an odd one, standing too close to Illumi whenever he decides to join him, commenting on the scrappers, comparing them to their opponents, and taking great delight over some of the shows while expressing great disappointment in others, when he claims that the fight wasn’t entertaining enough. Illumi has never considered the quality of the fight before, because he’s never considered the dinner show to be much of a fight to begin with.

In fact, the only nights where a human stands a chance against a scrapper are nights when Mr. CG contributes a dish. His selections are always strong and fast, sometimes even well-known in the martial arts world, and no one is sure how he manages to bring such dishes in. Despite his mysterious past, he gains a fair amount of acceptance due to his dinner contributions alone.

“I’m envious,” he says one night, pointing down to the stage.

“Of?” asks Illumi.

“The scrapper,” he replies. “The main dish. Either or, if I’m being honest.”

Mr. CG is a very strange man.

~X~

One night, Illumi goes with just Father and Grandfather. Mother had stayed home, wanting to spend time with Killua, and deciding that if he wouldn’t go to the restaurant, then she would simply have to stay home for the night, along with her other children. It is a rather dull night at the restaurant, with no notable dishes presented, and Illumi finds himself wishing he had stayed home as well.

He’s fairly certain that Mother’s attempts to bond with Killua will not have gone over well, but he does not expect to walk into the scene that awaits him at home.

Illumi is on his way to his room when he hears the shout from his father, and he turns around, running in the direction of his parents’ room. In the hallway outside of their room, he finds Father, kneeling down to Mother, who is collapsed and bleeding.

She’s bleeding, and Illumi is at her side in an instant, surveying the damage, and he can tell almost right away what could have caused her wounds. He’s seen it up close and personal before, had similar wounds before, but in his case, they were always lighter, obtained during training and never meant to deliberately cause harm. There’s no doubt that Killua has done this.

“He’s gone!” she cries. “He’s gone, he’s gone!” Illumi’s blood goes cold.

“Calm down,” Father says, rubbing her back. There is blood on her face, blood on her clothes, and it is hard to tell where all Killua has hurt her. “Calm down, and tell me what’s happening.”

“Millu!” She lunges forward, only to wince and collapse back into Father’s arms, pointing weakly in the direction of his bedroom. “Milluki, you have to check on him, he…”

“Illumi.”

Without a word, Illumi takes off further down the hall, in search of his brother. He wants to hear what Mother has to say, so that he can understand what Killua has done and why he has done it, but ensuring Milluki’s safety is more important right now. Surely Father will fill him in on the details later.

He finds Milluki just inside his room, slumped against the wall, bleeding from his side and nearly unconscious. Already, the wound is starting to heal, so with a good meal and some rest, he should be fully recovered in no time. Illumi hopes that it will be the same for Mother.

“Are you alright?” he asks. “What happened?”

“I think so,” Milluki replies, “but Killu, he...he went absolutely crazy! They were fighting, he and Mama, and I was gonna tell him to cut it out, and he…” He gestures down to his side and continues, “And Mama went even crazier, yelling at him and stuff, and I ran back here to get away. Is Mama okay?”

“Father is looking after her right now. She told me to check on you.”

“What about Killu? Did he calm down?”

“He…” Illumi pauses. “Millu, Mother said that he’s gone.”

“He’s what?! That little shit really pulled this and ran away?!” Milluki yells and then winces, clutching his side. “He’d better get in trouble for this…”

“That will be up to Father,” Illumi says. “I’m going to check on Mother. Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” he says. “Can you have a butler bring me some meat or something?”

“I’ll send someone to look after you.” With that, he leaves, and when he finds his parents again, Grandfather and a few butlers have gathered around as well. He tells one of them to check on Milluki, and pushes his way closer to his mother. In his time away, her face was cleaned and bandaged, and now, she is crying. There is a sad smile on her face.

“My little Killu is growing up so fast,” she says, her voice breaking. “To think, he would fight me  _ and _ his big brother like that! He’s getting so strong…”

“Where is he now?” asks Illumi. “Where did he go?”

“We aren’t sure yet,” Father answers for her. “Your mother has had a very eventful night, Illumi. Please go to bed for now, and we’ll discuss this later.”

Later? Killua has run away, outside of the protection of his family when he isn’t yet old enough to understand the world, and he’s supposed to go to bed, like nothing has happened? He couldn’t fall asleep if he tried.

“I can go look for him,” he says. “I’ll go out now and-”

“Illumi,” Father interrupts him, “just go to bed. I’ll handle everything.”

“But Father-”

“Illumi.” He knows well enough not to disobey the look on Father’s face, but there is still a part of him that wants to argue back. There is a part of him that wants to be defiant and tell Father why he’s wrong, or to slip out the window and search for Killua on his own. But he goes to his room like he’s supposed to, and lies awake imagining the worst.

~X~

Father is the one to look for Killua, and the rest of the family is left completely in the dark. Both Alluka and Kalluto had already gone to sleep when the initial commotion occurred, and they are given a watered down, more peaceful explanation of the events and their brother’s disappearance. Illumi hides his distress and comforts Mother, who alternates between gushing over how proud she is of Killua and sobbing as she wonders when he’ll come back home, and if he’s okay.

With Milluki leaving his room even less than usual, the children asking oblivious questions about Killua’s whereabouts, and Mother’s frequent outbursts, everything at home feels abnormal to Illumi, and the only one who behaves as normal is Grandfather, who dismisses the whole incident as preteen rebellion, and goes on about his business. Illumi barely sleeps and barely has any appetite, eating the bare minimum over the next couple months, until one day, Killua returns.

Just like that and completely unceremoniously, Killua returns, brushing off the joyous tears that Mother sheds and wresting out of her smothering hugs, dodging too many questions from his younger siblings, and avoiding Milluki entirely, who pays him the same courtesy. He speaks to Father on occasion, but when Illumi attempts to speak to him, he gives him the same cold shoulder that he does Mother.

When Illumi goes to Father, he is told, “It’s nothing you need to concern yourself with,” and dismissed. Any further attempts to press him for information are fruitless, and with both Father and Killua refusing to tell him anything, he is left completely in the dark. After months of not seeing his younger brother and worrying after him and being told not to look for him, Illumi is expected to accept things as they are.

His parents have always expected him to accept things as they are, but lately, it seems to be getting harder and harder for him to do that.

Mother is just as persistent in trying to get information, but she is always denied and brushed off as well. Often, she vents her frustrations to Illumi, who agrees with her, in confidence, that he doesn’t agree with Father’s secrecy either. She hugs him then, stroking his hair and telling him that he’s a good boy, that he’s always been such a good boy.

Until one day, she is absolutely hysterical, with Father leaving her to her fit and refusing to continue the discussion with her. Illumi goes to comfort her, as he always does, and she tells him, through her sobs, that she’s finally managed to get Father to tell her what Killua was up to while he was away.

“ _ Friends _ , he says!  _ Human _ friends!” She clings to Illumi, who stiffens in her arms. “Killu went out on his own and made friends with humans, and Papa says-” He can’t figure out what it is that Father says, because her wailing becomes incoherent, but he gets the gist of it. Killua has begun interacting with humans outside of what is necessary, and for whatever reason, Father is allowing it, without even punishing Killua for running away.

Illumi holds his mother close while she cries and rants about the situation, never once letting his composure slip. Even though he’s just found out that Killua, his little brother, the one who should be the next to lead their family, is risking everything that they’ve built by potentially exposing himself to humans, he doesn’t let his composure slip. If he is caught and turned in, then it will be the end of their family, for good. Even if they survived, they would have to go underground, and live no better than Mother did before she met Father.

He isn’t sure how much he is doing to comfort her, but eventually, she does start to calm down. Her sobs quiet until she is only trembling in his arms, and then, she looks up at him. “I feel like I’m the only one who realizes how terrible this is,” she whimpers. “His little friend  _ knows _ about him, and I...if anything were to happen to our family…”

She swallows hard. “Illu...please help your little brother.”

“I will,” he says, and she smiles at him.

“You’ve always been so good.” Of course he would do whatever his mother told him to do, unless Father overruled her, but he doesn’t tell her that in this case, he was already planning to intervene, even before she asked.

~X~

“Killu, we need to talk.”

“I’m busy right now,” he mutters.

“You don’t seem to be doing anything.” Illumi enters his room. Killua is laying on his bed, and had simply been staring at the ceiling when Illumi opened his door. Thinking about life with the humans, maybe? It’s sickening to think about.

When Illumi sits on the edge of his bed, Killua rolls over, facing the other direction. “I don’t have anything to talk to you about.”

“Tell me about your human friend.”

Killua stiffens. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Mother told me everything.”

“She isn’t supposed to know!”

“Did you really think she wouldn’t figure out? She can wear Father down, when she really wants to.”

“So? That doesn’t make it any of  _ your _ business,” Killua says.

“It’s everyone’s business now. Your friends know about you, that puts the entire family at risk,” he replies.

“Yeah, I know, I got lectured enough already! I’m being careful, so it’s fine.”

“Not careful enough. How did he find out about you?”

Sighing, Killua says, “Gon saw my eyes. I was hungry, I didn’t know he was there, and I…” He trails off, and Illumi can sense him realizing he’s said too much. So, his friend’s name is Gon, is it?

“Don’t even think about trying anything,” he says, quickly sitting up. “You’re not supposed to get involved, so don’t even think about it!”

“How do you know Father isn’t on his way to eliminate this Gon right now?” he asks.

“Because he told me he wouldn’t, alright! He’s letting me handle this however I want,” Killua says, before mumbling, “He says he trusts me.”

Why would Father trust him with something like this? Does he not realize how serious this is, or does he not care? Illumi knows that Father must have a good reason, as he does for everything, but for the life of him, he cannot think of what that might be.

“He’s going to report you,” he says. “Somebody has to-”

“He  _ already _ knows another ghoul!” Killua interrupts. “He has this other friend, and he’s known him even longer than me, and he’s never reported him. You have nothing to worry about, I can take care of myself.”

“But this isn’t just about you.” How can he make Killua understand that none of that matters more than their family? And even if it were only just about him, Illumi would worry about him either way. They are still family, after all.

“Well, it isn’t any of your business, so leave me alone!”

“You don’t understand-” Illumi turns, grabbing his hands, a little too rough. He doesn’t mean to try to hurt Killua, but he sees the brief flash of uncertainty in his eyes before they harden, and he yanks his hands away before Illumi can do any damage.

“If you won’t get out, then I will,” he says, hopping off his bed and running out of his room.

“Killu!” But his brother ignores him and leaves, probably on his way out of the house and back into the human world he’s building for himself. Illumi sits on his bed, and wonders when it was that he first started to lose his little brother.

He knows that Killua has drifted farther and farther away from him over the years, but he wonders when it really began. Should he have let him cling to his leg without punishment? Should he have gone easier on him during training? Should he have been more defiant at some point, at any point?

He wonders when it was that Killua started to slip away, and he wonders why he has dutifully obeyed Father all this time, if he will just allow Killua to slip away, without letting anyone try to stop him.

~X~

Naturally, once he knows Killua’s friend’s name, he does what he can to find out about him. Illumi can’t turn a blind eye to the situation, no matter what Father may think. He follows Killua discreetly one day so that he can find out what Gon looks like, and learns more about him from there. For the most part, he is an unremarkable boy, attending school like any other average human his age, and still Killua is drawn to him, enough to turn his back on his family.

He is nothing, and it would be easy for Illumi to kill him. It is tempting, and he loses himself to fantasies sometimes. He fantasizes about killing Gon and eating him so that no evidence remains, about handing Gon’s corpse over to the butler so that he can be presented as a perfect meal to Killua, who might suspect, but never really know, that he had eaten his now-missing friend.

Or Illumi could capture Gon and present him as a dish to the restaurant. He could convince Killua to go with him, just the two of them, and when his friend was brought out, Killua would be terrified, would be unable to watch, and he would cling to Illumi just like he did when he was little. Killua would hide his face against Illumi and love and trust him just like he did when he was little, and as he would listen to Gon being torn apart by the scrapper, he would realize how fragile humans were and understand that he can only rely on family. No one would be there to tell him not to hide behind his big brother, and Illumi would not lose him this time.

More likely than not, he knows that Killua would actually jump down to rescue his friend, kill the scrapper, and get their family banned from the restaurant, but still, he prefers to imagine a better outcome.

~X~

Being around humans makes Killua softer over the years; Illumi follows him whenever he can get away with it, and watches how his brother follows Gon around, making more human friends as he goes, making himself fit in with them perfectly. Killua will tell them that he is homeschooled, which is not a lie, but he lies when he tells them that he might be able to start high school at a normal school.

There might be an argument with their parents about him being enrolled in public school, but if there is, it never reaches Illumi. It seems like most things with Killua don’t reach him anymore, but whatever the case, Killua’s human friends enter high school and Killua remains homeschooled, and Illumi still secretly follows him when he goes out with his friends.

His senses must be dulled if he doesn’t notice his brother, but Illumi has no doubt that he doesn’t notice. He would have made a fuss about it as soon as he got back home as soon as he figured it out, Illumi is sure. However, someone else does notice how frequently Illumi leaves, and how often he and Killua are gone at the same time.

“You don’t need to follow him,” Father tells him. “I’ve already got everything under control.”

He’s said that over and over again since Killua first ran away, always telling Illumi that he has it under control, that there’s nothing Illumi needs to do, but he’s never said  _ how _ he has it under control, or what any of his plans are, or how any of this could possibly benefit their family. Father has always known best, but Illumi is having a hard time believing that he does in this case. If he really cared about their family, if he really cared about  _ Killua _ , he would have put a stop to this years ago.

“I don’t understand why you allow Killu to act like this,” he says. “You never should have let him go out on his own. We should have killed his friend years ago.”

“Illumi.” And there it is again, Father saying his name in that same firm tone, knowing that that is enough to get him to back off. Normally, it is, because normally, Illumi would never dare to question his father in the first place.

“I need to know what you’re thinking,” he says, not letting Father deter him. He’s been expected to accept so much without question, but this is too much. This has always been too much.

“No,” Father replies, “you don’t.”

Is he the only one who has Killua’s best interests in mind? Even Mother has argued less lately, worn down by Father’s refusal to budge. She must still worry about Killua, but even she doesn’t go as far as Illumi does, and he wonders if he is really the only one who truly cares. He has been raised to value family above all else, but because of that, he finds himself questioning what his own family tells him. Illumi never went through a rebellious stage, but now…

“I’m sorry,” he says, without meaning it. If Father won’t tell him, then there’s nothing to be done about that, but he’ll be damned if he actually stops watching over Killua. His little brother, his  _ family _ , means more to him than obeying Father does right now.

~X~

Mother has given up on fighting for Killua, but she has sheltered Alluka and Kalluto even more as a result. They’re rarely allowed to leave the house at all, and never alone. They wear their blank masks when they go to the restaurant, and otherwise hardly go outside, with no mention of when they will be allowed to decide on their own designs. Milluki never followed through on any of his plans, since he rarely has use for his mask, and Killua takes no interest in it. Illumi has never been able to strike the perfect balance between his parents’ designs, but now, he finds that he doesn’t care much at all.

Killua will try to talk to Alluka about human things, about his time outside, and, on the few occasions Illumi catches him, he does what he can to put a stop to it. He doesn’t want to imagine Mother’s heartbreak if another one of her children decides to run away, to go out and mingle with humans and risk their lives and the family name.

That, he knows, he is only doing for Mother. He’s realized, over the years, that he worries more for Killua than he does the others; he is more protective over Killua and more concerned with Killua. His feelings for Killua are special, and Illumi tries to justify that, thinking of the others. Milluki has never been at risk, willingly staying out of trouble, and Mother has kept Kalluto and Alluka from even attempting to follow after their brother. Only Killua presents enough risk to warrant Illumi’s concern, so it only makes sense that he pays more attention to him.

And, what’s more, Killua has always been special. With his incredible kagune, that he’s been honing since he was young, he was always meant to be strong, someday stronger than any of them. Illumi’s feelings for Killua are special because  _ Killua _ is special, and it’s only natural for him to feel protective when he has to protect him until he is strong enough to surpass him.

~X~

It isn’t long after Father’s confrontation that Killua finally catches Illumi stalking him. Whether it’s a coincidence, and Killua just finally figured it out on his own, or whether Father told him to be on the lookout, Illumi isn’t sure. But one day, Killua cuts his plans with Gon short, apologizing and saying that something has come up at home. Illumi leaves then, making sure that he’s home before Killua, but in a few moments, his brother slams open the door to his room.

“How long have you been following me?!” he demands.

“It was for your own good, Killu,” Illumi says, without really answering.

“Bullshit! I’m tired of you acting like you know anything about me!” He closes the distance between them, glaring up at Illumi. Killua has gotten taller, but he hasn’t caught up to Illumi yet. “Tell me how long you’ve been following me, right now.”

“From the beginning,” he admits, “but not every time.”

“Oh, because that makes all the difference! I can’t  _ believe _ you!”

“I just wanted to protect you,” he insists.

“I don’t need you to protect me! I don’t  _ want _ you to protect me, I just want you to let me live my life!” Killua shouts, before shoving Illumi, trying to put some distance between them again.

When his hands make contact with Illumi’s body, something in him shifts, and before he knows what he’s doing, he’s grabbed Killua by the wrists, his grip tight and harsh. Again, there is a look of uncertainty in Killua’s eyes, but this time, when he tries to wrench his hands away, Illumi tightens his grip.

“Let go of me!” Killua snaps, and again, before he knows what he’s doing, Illumi has acted, tackling his brother to the ground. The scuffle isn’t a series one; if it were, their kagune would be out, but instead, he pins Killua to the floor with relative ease.

Illumi still has his hands tightly wrapped around Killua’s wrists, his weight baring down on him, and Killua’s chest heaves as he struggles to catch his breath. Holding him down like this, for just a moment, everything feels as it should. They’re close, he has Killua right here, where he can hold him in place, and for just a moment, he feels like he has his little brother back.

And then, he closes his eyes for an instant, and he sees Gon in his place. He sees Gon pinning Killua to the floor, and Illumi jolts, relaxing his guard just long enough for Killua to get out from under him.

“You’re insane,” he says, and Illumi barely hears him. “Stop following me.”

He leaves for his own room, leaving Illumi unable to get that image out of his mind. Why? Why has Killua allowed some human to come between them like this? He feels sick as he imagines his brother and Gon, nauseous and confused, and so unbearably jealous. Illumi sits down on his bed, trying to calm his pulse and clear his mind.

More than anything, he wants to go out and find Gon. He wants to corner him and kill him, more effortlessly than any scrapper could, and he wants to present him to Killua as the perfect meal. If he were already dead, nothing to be done about that, and Killua could just eat him whole, maybe then he would be satisfied. Maybe then Illumi would finally have his little brother back.

But he knows that this is just another fantasy, just as well as he knows that Killua is never coming back to him.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're interested in my writing updates, please follow my fanfiction twitter @WattStalf  
I'll follow back so long as you don't post anything hateful!


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